It’s Not To Create, It’s To Understand

There’s a thing that people always think about me.
When they saw how hard I study something, or when they feel like I’m pushing myself for doing it. Or the way the put two dotes whenever they wonder, “why are you so busy?”

They thought, I was about to make something out of it. They imagine me set a bigger goal, they thought my mysterious way of doing something is my strategy. Somehow, they expect me to make something big in the future.

But in fact, I am not that fabulous. That is… too high, their expectation, I really want to explain but I know it will only tired me if I keep doing that.

Since I was young, I was only had my curiosity, but I’m too afraid to said it out loud, so I got used to beat around the bush to get what I want. I want to understand, but too afraid and shy to ask, and whenever I put on my courage to ask, the answer still not satisfy me, so I can only depend on my observation. But the world and people are so profound, it looks simple yet the closer I get the deeper I found myself caught in the mud of feeling.

As I get older, I realize, I am not a structural person. Thus, I can’t collect or build myself to plan, create or desire something big. Since the very start, what I’m capable of and what I truly want in this world turns out just as simple as. “I want to ‘understand’, so I don’t get frustrated”. Some people are just not born to create.

I know one thing for sure. The journey I took to understand something, will led me toward my true self and the better version of myself. Although, sometimes the disappointment on the faces of people who are waiting for me based on their expectations kind of disturb me.

Finding answer may need to go through walking, talking and making to reach the level of understanding I want. The level of peacefulness. It’s not easy and not that fruitful in the eyes of other. It is also hard to express since what changed after that can only be seen by yourself.

‘To understand’ for me it’s not the way or method,

‘To understand’ for me it’s the core of my existence, therefore, I did every steps I intended to get an answer I have longed for so long.

I can’t get attached with this world, at some point it becomes dull and pseudo in my eyes. No matter how hard I tried. Because what I truly want is not here, yet it was so far away ahead and past me. I try to reach that with a bunch of my disabilities in thinking, while trying to break that limit of time I have inside my brain. And that’s it what I want to tell you. My selfish desire is to fill my own curiosity that digs and begs me like a desperate beggar.

If I need to create something to understand a certain feeling, then I will do it. If I have to be experimented to get an answer, I will do it too. If through an answer one day I got myself up on a mission, I did it in the name of my beloved. Maybe one day I need to contribute with bigger purpose for the sake of the weight of a knowledge I able to gain as a prestige in this life, I will wait patiently for that to grow in me, to wait myself until I am capable enough and when I found a strong ‘why’ I need to do it, I will accept it with all of my five senses earnestly.