Yellow Freak

For years of my life before, I had not stopped running. A sleepless night was not something strange even on the most normal days. I knew I was always behind people. That’s why it was not enough even though I prepared long waaaay before people even pressed the start. A cry of frustration and a constant morning of worries that I kept asked my mom to pray for me. People just know how good I was probably, like everything was easy and affordable. But it was not.

After the biggest laundry in my life gets cleaned in the most chaotic way. A lot of people took back the hope they loaded in me. So, my room has become so empty, but since all my energy has already been spent up, when I think of a way to fill it again, I can only bring small and insignificant things for these past two years.

A roller coaster of emotions I went through to get used to. I tried, but I know it was not my best.

But something strange indeed, happening. Something I really didn’t expect at all.

These past two years, if I’m allowed to be so insensitive or to be a little bit selfish, I wanna say…

I’m happy.

I wake up every morning to get somewhere, a little nonsense conversation and watching people around me having silly conversations. Feel troubled by lots of request but so little money. A beating heart trying to find a way for little ones to understand in a so tight time, a night pray for people to be able to get the best out of me everyday. Coming home, doing all the chores as much as I can, a coffee at night, not for staying awake but just purely because I like it, I sometimes added an ice cream on top of it or boiled an instant noodle in the middle of the night, but my weight kept still. Even when I caught a cold, I didn’t panic and still managed to worry and nurse someone else. Even when my stomach hurts so bad because I ate too much spicy food, I keep giggling with ease to the person in front of me. And for the first time in my life, when I was sick, I wanted to get better soon.

I learn what I want so easily, easier than before. When I’m alone I dance and sing like I was just having a show, instead of crying or raging.

Amid the crowds, I can seem to walk slowly. And I don’t believe that I’d care so much about a spicy snack being sold out before 12 A.M. I broke my favorite brown shoes and casually wore a very bright yellow one that didn’t match my clothes at all. And I don’t know why I look so beautiful in the mirror? Did it make sense to have this kind of silly thought?

There’s so many things I worry about, but it’s so easy to get out from my usual overthinking and sleep comfortably. It’s like a miracle for me. There’s plenty of problems that come uninvited and unapplied that sometimes I really wanna curse at. I tried to care, I swear, but I just find it so funny, like it isn’t a big deal anymore. Was I usually this simple of a person? Where is the complicated me going? I can’t find her everywhere, even in my dreams. It’s so strange and feels weirdly amusing.

This is not the kind of life I wanted and imagined. But I can’t hold myself to draw how my heart has been doing. I realized that I’m actually happy enough. And this happiness is the longest one I feel with my open eyes and cherished. I tried to deny it and tried my best to not be satisfied with this. But, ugh let’s take it easy and be honest for now, I’m so okay and peaceful.

I don’t want to constantly put aside every blessing I’m able to feel just for the sake of chasing material things or trying so hard to be pathetic by forcing myself to pursue life in the direction that most people aim. I want to allow myself to feel grateful even in the time that maybe most people would prefer the word “unfortunate” or “not enough”.

I know I can’t let my guard down or fall asleep in this coziness, since they said life is like riding a bicycle. I’m not sure to say whether I’m at the top or the bottom of the wheel right now. I know that I have to keep an eye on my steps, even when my body makes a thousand excuses to be laid back. I know. But this is the first time in my life that my heart is so stubborn to declare and voice up. I don’t want to make the future me confused about my color when they have to recall this time someday. I want to express exactly what I truly feel and how happy I am.

I wonder sometimes, if people from my past see me now, what will they think? Will they feel relieved or feel wasted? See, I tried, I tried to worry and wake me up. But I eat too comfortably and dance too freely to say that this is the lowest point of my life like the way my brain wanted.

This conflicted feeling, it’s so tickled and funny. It’s like watching my brain and heart arguing everyday while my body is already giving up to the pleasure of fresh air and free sunlight.

Should I wake up and break through, or should I keep my pace?

This feels like betraying my old self idealism, and breaks all the tension I was built over the years.

Feels like the kind of torture I don’t know I will like it so badly. It’s so silly and endearing.

It said when you feel grateful your enjoyment will be doubled. I found a way to get more, by admitting it. All the blessing in my hand now, that maybe invisible to other people, I want to admit it and be thankful for all of it first, before I list all of my problems.

It really needs courage, to admit it. Because I have to take down and reduce a lot of pride I pilled on top of my chest. But once I did it, I become very much lighter.

Thus, I can have a sturdy heart to run a worry in my mind as not to get swayed easily like a scarecrow.

Years of running and now I’m walking,

I thought I’m blue now after I failed to chase the red.

But I found myself becoming a yellow freak.

Every inch of this yellow shines so bright and so arrogant even though I don’t know what they brag about.

And that’s what makes me laugh,

What is life about actually?

A tragedy ?

or… a comedy ?